Butterflies and Hurricanes

So lately, I’ve been thinking about how much I’d actually like to try and accomplish my resolution this year (continue being awesome and write a novel, btw). And I have the awesome part down. The writing is proving a little harder because I feel like I have no time to actually sit down and do it. But I’ve been contemplating ideas and so far nothing seems to get very far. So I’m thinking about it today, and I’m dreading having to write it because the ending is pretty bitter.

 

Suddenly an idea flashes through my mind!

 

What if it’s not the end, but the beginning?!

 

Who cares if it’s a cliché idea, I can really make it work. It seems right. It fits, something finally fits. So, if that’s the case, I have a lot to work through because, I’m not at the end looking back; I’m at the beginning looking forward. And for some reason, I just write better that way. There’s really a lot more I can do with the idea that what I have isn’t the ending too. So that makes me feel relieved and also provides a better challenge. How do I fix things? Can I fix them? It’s going to be fun to try! We’ll see what the bunnies want to do, because now, they’re poking me pretty hard.

040: Second

The moment passed,

Through glass and sand,

It grinded against sanity,

Whittling down humanity.

Watched it happen,

Let it happen,

And so the heart is stamped,

Completely out.

 

041: Perfectionist

Steel eyes pierced my soul,

As she drew her sword,

Feathered, dripping crimson,

My mistakes lobbed off,

My pride drained.

The ability waned,

And I sank into the sand,

To draw pictures,

So that she could,

Make it work.

 

042: Sisters

I’ve heard about the sisters, who fight,

And I think it’s not right.

Because mine screams at me,

And just happens to be,

My best friend.

 

 

043: Love

Of being loved,

I’d say the greatest warmth,

Comes from his fingers clasped in my own,

Topped only by his arms around me,

Outshined only by his eyes,

And stomped only by his smile,

Steady, all engulfing.

 

044: Heater

The steady hum of the heater,

Reminds me how much we’re loved.

Blessed, truly by warmth,

But I take it for granted.

I’m still whining that I’m cold.

 

045: Savage

It hates me.

Staring and glowering,

Growling from the other side of the screen.

It smiles, when I’m wrong,

Hair standing straight up,

Tail flicking back and forth,

Like a cornered beast,

Waiting to pounce,

Waiting to tear me down,

Rip me to shreds,

Little monster,

It’s already done that.

 

046: Common

Like water my dreams are somewhat intangible.

Crystal clear and life giving,

Still slipping through my fingers,

As I try to discern how to hold the,

In these to small hands.

Shivering,

Waking up,

Struggling.

Dripping,

Then fading away,

With morning sunlight.

 

047: Drop

I

Want to

Test out the waters.

See how far they drip into

Each other. Before they spread into

The others and begin to flood. See how long

It goes before it over takes the world and tramples

Into sanity. Hoping for one rainbow to seal the promise.

Save us from our fate. The idea that we break them, always.

Then blame someone else for our disarray. Waiting. Hating,

Begging for freedom. And money, turning into greed hardly

Realizing how much we hurt. Refusing to see that we

Don’t deserve the promise, or the love. Fading into

The darkened waters at our own request

Waiting for it all to stop,

Drip-drop, I hear.

 

48: Raine

At

six AM the

phone howled in my

ear. I tried to fathom, steady

tip-tap sound, sand still on my lids,

as to why she might be calling. Injury.

Missed me? Emergency? Her mom? Her sisters?

There’s no way I can get to NYC right now. But God

how I’d try. A sleepy hello rolled off my tongue and

kissed her ears.  She groaned and threw her clock. And

I couldn’t help but laugh as it screamed against the wall. In vain

Attempt to console her, I offered “Good morning!” and she hissed

In return. Then tried to apologize for not realizing that it would still

Be an hour until Rick woke me up. My cheek danced across the

Pillow, making me shiver with the thin morning air.

And for her, I woke up instantly.

049: Wish

If

I could

Make just one wish.

It would be the same as always. I’ll

Turn the chain from the clasp, and wish on every number,

Combination until, I’m satisfied. To see his smile, one more time.

 

050: Mutiny

The words don’t come.

They shut the door.

And I hear them whispering,

About something.

And I realize too late,

It’s probably about me.

 

051:  What?

Sentences string together with little ease,

Jammed together for lack of better word,

Until my eyes blink rapidly,

To understand what I’ve heard.

 

052: Inhale

Draw a breath,

With pen like lungs,

Hold it in your soul.

Let it out, smooth, against the paper,

Leave some trail.

 

053: Ghosts

They moan.

And groan.

Seeking out something,

That I can’t quite discern.

It’s fantastic,

And chilling,

But I think I’ve come to realize,

That there are old ghosts here.

 

054: Groan

Life is like a snowball,

Rolling down the hill,

Collecting more ice,

As it tries to come to some standstill,

And fails,

Until it all crashes into the largest object,

Down the road.

I should have known,

That it would be me.

 

055:  Fix

Work around,

Make it sound,

Like I know what the hell I’m doing.

 

056: Breath

The answers settle against pages,

Over the phone, through cheery voices,

Into understanding upon my ears.

And though some trouble rears its head,

I feel serenity, within my heart.

 

057: Fickle

Changed my mind,

And the colors,

Topic stared at me.

And we fought a battle,

Neither could win,

As my fickle mind betrayed me.

 

058: Flowers

Growing, slowly, petals trailing along the ground.

Waiting, dreaming of being found.

 

059: Writing

Not quite obligated to jot down the lines,

Just like meditating, biding my time,

As the words run down the side,

I see how often people tend to lie,

And that’s when the truth comes out, I decide.

To just do what I love – Write.

 

060: Mom

My mother is patient,

And kind.

Sometimes completely out of her mind,

But she loves me.

Puts up with me,

And for that I love her too.

 

061: Memories

Although they’re not paved in gold,

I still keep them in my heart,

Cherish the desire to hold

Them as tightly as I can.

 

062: Dream

I don’t expect protection,

Only support.

But to see you standing there,

In the shirt I ruined – too pink to be masculine,

It brings a smile to my face,

To know you had to be ridiculed,

And you just didn’t care about what they had to say,

And it makes my day,

When you say the little things,

Like “I love you”

 

063: Blossoms

Fleeting blossoms,

Dancing in the wind,

I lose my breath again,

To the smile,

That graced his lips,

And stole my kiss.

 

064: Listen

Crack, crackle, shick, blam.

I listened to the sounds,

Unable to understand,

What they all meant.

And I rolled over,

And went back to sleep,

Only to see,

That I the problem,

As it happened,

Was that I never,

Really listened.

 

065: Whipacha

Snap!

Across the room,

The whip!

Schik!

Whipacha~!

 

066: Smile

Let it all go,

Sliding out my arms onto the floor.

In twenty minutes I’ll trip all over it,

Fall on my face,

And laugh like it never mattered,

In the first fucking place.

 

067: Hammer

Smash,

Across the screen,

Just to get back at the dreaded,

IE.

 

068: Haze

Run around,

Sighing, dreaming,

Waiting for something.

Anything,

And define the dreams,

Into something tangible.

 

069: Grimace

The world slips through my fingertips

And I lose grip,

On all the things I think that matter,

Watching with a frown,

As all the meaning splatters,

Across the floor next to my tears,

Lingering too closely to my fears.

And I can’t seem to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

I’ve been neglecting the site but not my writing. I’ve been working at that. Slow and steady. Trying to get through things. It’s been poetry which I love. And I’m actually happy with the way my Poetry Workshop class has gone. It’s the last day of that, though. So maybe I’ll get back to posting here. I want too.

 

It’s not that I’ve been inspired. Just trudging through everything else. I still write. Just not as much as I want too. There’s still a lot of other things I need to do. Upcoming graduation, enrollment in a new university. Just feels like there’s less and less time to write, but I try and make it work.

 

Because I love it. Maybe I’ll post my annotations from class. Probably not the poetry though, since I want to send it in.

032: Exist

Move,

Feel,

Dance,

Sing,

Whatever you need,

To just be.

 

 

033: Hear

Fighting,

Not with each other.

To be heard,

Trust me,

It’s not that bad.

 

 

 

034: Answer

Answers fell,

But not upon my ear.

Silent or so I thought,

Still struggling to break the void.

Shattered and scattered,

They came.

Those answers,

They scream.

 

035: Choice

The contradiction of choice,

Stares out from the wall.

It hangs there,

Like portraits,

Reminders of the past.

The one you chose,

Left outside,

Picked up by the trash,

Now rots.

Sometimes in sorrow,

Praying most times not.

We have the choice,

And how cruel we are with it.

 

036: Raining

On raining days, I want to play.

Hair let down, running through the grass.

But the sun went home,

And left me alone.

And I had no one to play with.

 

037: Shiver

Sweaters, socks, and fire,

Make no difference to my spine.

The cold races down,

Even when the sun shines,

And I tremble,

Violently,

Before I whine.

Try and push it down,

No success,

Just have to let it go by.

 

038: Syd

He led me down the street,

Where he insisted,

I could meet,

The ideas that I’d kept fisted,

In my heart.

 

039: Letters

I’ve written letters,

That I never intended to send.

I’ve said words,

That should never be heard,

And I’ve cried tears,

Better left for shadows.

But those letters,

Words sealed and stamped,

Sit in their paper cages,

Cramped.

But the worst part is,

That I know you cannot hear me.

024: Colorless

The colors blend together,

Bleeding, seeping, swirling into sanity,

Masked by insecurity,

It all fades to black.

 

025: Free

Rather than rainbows,

Drifting across the ocean,

Accomplishment –

Floating in freedom.

 

 

026: Ouch

Painful, only when moving.

Sharp stabs and aches.

 

027: Anchor

Hold me,

Stay the course,

Know when to break.

Against the clouds and sea.

 

028: Block

It stared at me,

Loomed like the monster,

That lived in my closet,

And moved under my bed.

Growled at me,

Like the raging thunder,

And stood there,

Undefeated,

Wishing me dead.

 

029: Song

Rhythm beats against my feet,

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

Lyrics scream into my ears,

But don’t make sense to me.

 

030: Future

Molding clay,

Paints and easels,

Pen and paper,

Shame my future,

Makes little difference to me.

 

031: Hold

My cold fingers search for somewhere,

Anywhere,

But I wish,

The same thing as always,

Just for your hands.